As I write this post one of my almost two year old toddlers is biting her lovey and looking at me with one eye brow raised to see my reaction. Mothers have all been here before, Toddlerville, the land of testing limits. B and I are very communicative parents, we always discuss who we will jointly respond to each new limit test so the girls get the same reaction from both of us. This is great but what is a mama to do when the negative reaction is still a reaction and therefore the child "wins"? Then you add in the fact that I have this times TWO and I am a very tired mama who is over due in my pregnancy...you have a recipe for a disaster.
So I pause this morning to remember that this is a normal stage of development. All our toddlers at some point bite, hit and scream, this we cannot control but what we can control is our reactions. Deep breathing has never been more helpful! If I have not mentioned it before my husband B is a child psychologist, I often defer to his advice on what to do in certain situations. We also look to books that may be helpful and the advice of seasoned parents we respect. Some of you may wonder how I can handle twins, a pregnancy, work and a household. Every child is different but below are my most common reactions and responses to the lovely toddlerisms,
1. No reaction: sometimes the answer is not to respond in the way they expect. Often if the situation will not result in something broken or hurt I will simply raise one eyebrow and let the child respond first. Example, the child is running and falls down hard after you told them not to run. I raise and eyebrow and wait for her response, the hurt of the fall is enough for her to learn the lesson.
2. Remove from the situation: This is more of a twin mom thing, but it applies to any child. Often our children will begin a tug-of-war over a toy and begin to scream, hit and bite each other until one gives up and sinks to the ground in tears. If they are not being too rough we let them work it out on their own, I do not want one twin to be labeled "the victim" she will need to learn how to stand up for herself. Sometimes mama needs to get involved and when that time comes I remove the twins from the situation placing them on opposite sides of the room. This also works for the times when a child is getting into something she shouldn't, in our house an example is playing with the curtains. I give a warning first, "E, no curtains please". If she does not listen then I pick her up and move her to the other side explaining, "Mama, said no curtains." as I relocate her.
3. Never withhold love: I am a huge believer in not withholding my love from the child for one-single-minute. Even when I am very mad I will say, "I love you BUT you cannot hit mama". When we remove the child from the situation we will still allow them to ask for comfort and it is freely given. Example is the child is relocated but asks for her lovey or a cuddle. We will give those to the child demonstrating that we can be mad at the situation but we will always love her.
4. Use simple language and do not try to reason with your toddler: It makes me laugh when people try to reason with their toddler. Developmentally speaking your toddler is not capable of reasoning at this point in her life so you are only frustrating her and yourself. Instead use simple language and give only two options, "Stop standing on the couch or go down on the floor."
5. Loudly praise positive behavior: Every time I see one of my girls share a toy, offer half her cracker to her sister or comfort her twin when she is sad I loudly and proudly praise that child. Use simple language, "That is so sweet!", "I love it when you share!", or "Yay, G that is great sharing!". When she responds really well to something you asked such as telling her not to pull the curtains and she leaves them alone after you ask give a huge smile and say something positive like, "Thank you for listening!".
6. Do not do behavior you do not want them to mimic: Sounds simple but every parent has made this mistake! If you do not want your child to hit then do not hit her, if you do not want her to yell then keep your voice low, and if you want them to share with each other then you need to share with the children. Modeling positive behavior is important as well, I will cuddle the sad twin and then invite the other one to come and comfort her too or when they frustrate me I will take a deep breath and do a low hum to center myself (I have seen G do this lately which is adorable!). It's black and white, monkey-see-monkey-do, if you want good behavior from your children then you need to behave!
As I said before, every child is different. I found Dr. Sear's books on different children's personalities very helpful in coming up with these 6 tips. According to him my children are "persistent personalities" and anyone who has been around us for even a few hours will confirm that this truly fits my girls! This was helpful when we were discussing how to react to Toddlerville because it helped us adjust our responses to their personality type. There is no escaping Toddlerville, it is a destination we all must visit so welcome to our Toddlerville, current population four. And to all of you with toddlers, "may the force be with you!".
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